Time Spent Apart

A big downside of the super commute: The time we spend apart. I feel it, Hubby feels it, the kids are definitely feeling it and even our pets are feeling the distance. And it's a lot more then just the distance. It's the everyday things we take for granted. Like having dinner together. Or breakfast. Or the nightly talk before we go to sleep. Sharing responsibility with homework. Disciplining the kids. Do you have any idea how it feels to  be the only "bad guy" during the week having to say no to the kids? I think this is the worse part. And yes, I've been overcompensating with gifts. I can't be the "bad guy" all the time, right? 

We've been really good at keeping in touch. There's always  the "good morning" and "good night" call. Then during the day we talk about the problems that come up. We've been talking about all the problems as they appear and over the phone. We think this works out the best for us because when we're together we concentrate on having fun and enjoying each other's company. We didn't plan it this way, it just started to happen and when we realized we decided to stick with it. Problem free weekends!

And as a long distance wife I think this is a very good rule. My husband comes home to enjoy family life! And for me to enjoy his company too! The time we spend together needs to be quality time. He has to enjoy coming back home. I need to make his weekend home his only home. The week place is his flat. Never home. The day he starts seeing the flat as home I'll know there is a problem. And let's be honest, this "problems" are usually women. So I see as my duty not to leave any room for this to happen. Because I know there are women are out there looking for men like him. And I know he feels the same way. He also fears that there will be another men ready to take his place. But we're not looking for it. We have lots of respect for each other and our kids. And we love each other. And I really don't want to waist my time thinking about it. It is counter productive. 


But now I do have a better understanding of why so many couples that go thru relocations or choose the super commute get a divorce. Or strengthen their bond. We can't turn the geographical distance into relationship distance. We need to make ourselves very present in one another's life, but this is a 2 way street.  Both husband and wife need to be committed to make this happen. So as soon as you see a gap growing between you, plan a date night and bring the subject up without pressure. Ask what's going on. Maybe it's just stress from work, maybe it's just the adjustment of living alone, but whatever it is, don't leave any room for this gap to grow.

We make the best of our weekends. We go to the beach together, we go out for lunches, dates, family movie nights, we have barbecues by the pool... And he also take the kids out for breakfast either Saturday or Sunday, so I can take a break from them and get a much needed rest. And husband and kids spend quality time together  too. It is very important for them to spend time away from me too.

I hasn't been easy, by any means, but it's working out better then I expected. I am actually very surprised to see how I've matured during this time. I still want to have the whole family living under the same roof as soon as possible, but if, for the kids education's sake, we have to endure this situation for a couple of years I think it will be fine. We are very happy with the school here. So my biggest fear, the super commute, is not that bad after all.