Expat Relationships

I have been a little neglectful with the blog. I haven't written in a while. In part because I've been busy - life is back to business as usual - and in part because I've been running out of ideas for topics. But this week I got a few e-mails that made me very concerned and feeling like bringing back this discussion here. 


Some wives have been asking me questions about how to deal with an abusive expat husband. This is such  a hard subject to discuss. Every case is different so it is very hard to give an advice. Plus, I am a firm believer that no one has the right to be abusive towards another human being - a wife, a child, a friend, an employee, it doesn't matter. And most of the times the abuse is psychological and not physical. And it can happen both ways too. Sometimes the wives are the ones abusing the husbands. And I am not a psychologist nor a marriage counselor. I did study family and divorce laws but I am a corporate lawyer.


For physical abuse I have only one advice. Get help! Go look for a lawyer. And then the police. Find out what the abuse and divorce laws are in the country you're in. Ask for help at the consulate. Talk to a psychologist or a marriage counselor. Talk to your parents, siblings or your best friend. No one should put up with this case of abuse. In my book, physical abuse in unacceptable. Period.


Regarding the emotional abuse, the most common complaints I've been getting are that the husband is less caring, or that he won't let the wife move back home or that the works and travels too much and stopped caring about the family's needs.


First, if he's less caring, find a baby sitter and go out for a nice dinner. Talk to him. LISTEN to him. See if it is because he's having a hard time at work and/or adapting to the culture. I've seen this happen quite a few times and you know men, most of them don't like to talk about these issues. It could also be your attitude that's bugging him, if you're being very negative. Or not. Maybe your marriage wasn't that good to begin with and taking on this challenge is bringing you apart. once again I suggest a psychologist or a marriage counselor visit. Don't give up! Try to work things out. Be supportive. 


Second, if you are thinking about moving back home you have to weight in the consequences. You need to figure out exactly why you want to move back. Why can't you suck it up for a while and stay? You may be damaging your husbands career if you demand that he leaves before his term is over. Can you do the super commute? Is your live going to be better living apart? Can you handle the distance and what comes with it? Are you going to be happier? I know a person who destroyed her husbands career by making him move back earlier. I talked about her before. Me, I decided not to move to Mexico because my husband and I did not want to compromise on the school for our kids. It wasn't an easy decision but we were on the same page. And we made this decision before the company spent a lot of money relocating us there. They spend the same amount of money to send us here then they would have spent to send us to Mexico. And we were up front about the school It did not come as a surprise for anyone. If you really want to give up and move back you may be jeopardizing your marriage. Once again, look for help. Talk to friends, family or a professional.


Third, your family moved and still you don't get to spend quality time because of the work schedule.  You can't see the benefits of moving if you're alone most of the time. Plus, is the travel schedule only for work or is your husband connecting the weekends to those trips to golf or fish for example?  Spending voluntary time alone, in my opinion, is a big red flag. Why would he want to do it? Who is he spending his time with? Once again, talk to a psychologist or counselor, a friend or family member. Someone you really trust. And a divorce attorney, just in case.


Fourth, your relationship isn't working because someone is cheating. Unfortunately this happens often. Once again, go get help. Lawyer, family and friends. An excellent lawyer, if I may say so.


I am a firm believer that everyone who moves overseas should learn what the divorce laws are in that country. As an attorney myself, I always live by: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! If you can, draw an agreement before you even move. My main concern is regarding the kids custody. Some countries have crazy laws about who gets to keep the children and visitation rights.And some have good laws protecting the wife in case the men cheat. So it doesn't hurt knowing what you're getting yourself into. 


I am also a firm believer in looking for help. Sometimes just venting things out to someone you trust and listening to them can be a huge help. And having and honest talk to your spouse afterwards can solve all the problems. You may be seen a problem where there's none. It could be that the whole relocation process is overwhelming.


If you really believe with all your heart that things aren't working out anymore and the situation won't get better or is unbearable, you should consider divorce.  You need to go after your happiness and the happiness of your children. But go prepared. Know exactly what you're getting yourself into. And also know that it won't be an easy decision or an easy path. But long term it can be the best one. Everybody is entitled to and should be happy. And sometimes finding happiness is not easy. Be true to yourself. It sounds cliche - and it is - but listen to your heart.


More than anything, I believe in love. And in long term relationships. I know it is not easy to achieve it. It takes lots of will, patience, tolerance, work, trust, courage... (feel free to add up to this list!) Don't give up on your relationship so easily. It is worth fighting for a happy marriage. Bring back some happiness, fun, fire  and excitement into your life. Get a family member or a friend to babysit and go for a second honeymoon or a weekend get-away only with your husband. Have the housekeeper stay overnight with the kids and spend a friday night at a hotel - make sure to order breakfast from room-service the next morning. If you're on a tighter budget send the kids to a sleepover, make a special diner, put on a new nightgown and turn your bedroom into a boudoir. Rekindle the romance. And after you take this first step, make sure to keep making time for each other. My husband and I had weekly lunches on Thursdays or Fridays. And a night out alone and one with friends. It brought us closer. Even now, with the super commute we always manage to find time for ourselves. We have lunch on Fridays. Don't give up!! There's nothing better and worth fighting for then to have a happy and united family!